Jean Seizure

hi.

Trust the process

It's been three months since I last updated and many things have changed. For one I never would have thought that my life would look like this two years ago. I'd like to think that I've grown very much, though sometimes life comes in and tells me I still have much to learn. Over a year ago I wanted to run out to the middle of a busy road just so I could be hit by a car because I felt so misunderstood and attacked in the midst of a quarrel, I didn't know how else to make it stop. 

I had a conversation with my brother late last year. He asked me who am I and I just couldn't answer it. I couldn't say what I actually liked either; I did nothing for myself and he pointed that out. Savage. But true. So I did what I thought I mildly liked and learned to love doing them. This year, I grew to love work. I learnt that if I put all my strength into building relationships and find myself lost in the inevitable disappointment that comes with loving fallible human beings at least I still have other things to work on in the meantime that can still reap benefits in their own ways. 

I'm still learning how to love myself. It is a neverending lesson. It's easy to end up determining how much love I'm worth based on how I look, how other people look, or how they feel towards me, or how much I think I've accomplished. I'd like to think that I'm doing a lot better - I no longer crumble as much when things don't go the way I hope them to. There are definitely still way too many times when I wished I could be more. But I'm getting the hang of knowing that they're just thoughts, feelings. These things can lie. Fact is I am enough as a person, and not the sort of enough that I would imagine 'enough' to mean but more like I am human enough; I will always have flaws and shortcomings as with my strengths and there will always be things that I dislike and like about myself that makes me nothing short of human. 

But as with preparing a dish life is a whole long process of its own. If we're always hoping that we can drive a Ferrari while still crawling on our little toddler knees it will definitely be an unnecessarily unpleasant wait before we end up in the driver's seat. 

So many times I've felt frustrated over the past two years with not being where I want to be in life. Even right now, I can get frustrated in a second when I hold a magnifying glass over what I currently lack. But when I look at what I have gained so far, wow. Little did I know then. Actually, I sorta already have plenty. A matter of perspective, I guess. Something my driving instructor told me - if you stare at the side of the road enough you'd find your car deviating towards it. 

So yes. I don't have much, but I have plenty. I've gained a lot this year. Would love to gain more, but I'm content and I believe next year when I look back on this year, I will be surprised too.